I feel very spiritual. And trust me, this doesn't happen very often. Dont get me wrong, I'm no saint and I sure as hell dont have a perfect past, but lately I've been really thinking about my decisions. I could partly be because of what Im learning in Religion class, or it could be the reconcilliatioin on Wednesday, or maybe its just that time. First I will tell you about my religion class. In class for the past couple of weeks we've been studying conscience and morality. It's just that a lot of what I was hearing made sense, and I dont know why I never realised it before. My teacher is also very honest. She tells us how it is and doesnt sugar coat anything, she's also not afraid to answer any questions we throw at her. Secondly, reconcilliation or confession as some call it. This took place on Wednesday and prior to this I had never really cared about it. Like, Id go to confession, walk out of the church and cuss, or gossip. Before confession I had made plans to go blaze with some friends of mine on Thursday (today) after school. I never saw anything wrong with this, not like I've never done it before, no big deal. When I went to go to confession I Sat and waited for the priest with the shortest line. (Like I said, I didnt care, I just wanted to be in and out then about with my old ways) I just sat and waited. As soon as I went up to him I realised that I knew this priest. It was Father Mario. I went up and confessed my sins, the same ones I always do. I was expecting him to mumble some stuff give me my penance and leave. But he didnt he told me to realx and look up and him, I followed his instructions. He asked me my name and how old I was. He looked a little older than how I last remembered him, but then again that was 7 years ago. He asked me where I saw myself in 10 years. I said hopefully done school and on my way to becoming a psychologist. He said, "What about 5 years from then?" I thought for second, where did I want to be when I turned thirty? Working, married, divorced? I wasnt sure. All I knew is I wanted to be happy. And thats what I replied. By this point it no longer felt like confession, but rather a chat with God. And I know that sounds ridiculous and honestly it still sounds ridiculous to me when I say it. But anyways, He told me a story, about this girl who had nothing but her brain. She was the smartest kid he'd ever seen and she was going placed, got a scholarship to a university, finished her degree and everything. You'd think she had it all, she had a successful career and everything. Only she fell into the temptation of drugs simply because she had wanted to experiment. She's now an addict and is probably going to o.d soon. Tis really just struck me as odd, because I want expecting that from a priest. It felt like he came back to earth. He said, "Now child, Im not telling you how to live your life. You seem like a bright kid and you've got a great future ahead of you. Just know that what you do now, will affect your future. would you rather suffer a little now and be rewarded greatly in the future? Or would you rather have fun now and suffer in the future? The choice is all up to you, just know that the Father is with you no matter how you choose to live your life, He will always be there for you." Andwith that he finished. He asked me to reflect on everything we had spoken about and to just pray to the Lord for my penance. I left, kneeled in a pew and just reflectedon everything. After I felt like I was finished, I got up. Five people had already gone to confession after me. I dont know, if how I felt is how I was suppose to feel everytime but it felt like He really wanted to see a change in me. So as soon as I got back to school I told my friends that I didnt want to smoke weed with them after school and that they shouldnt ask me again. I just feel different, it's weird. I want to see how long this feeling can last. How long I can change for.

I have been the busiest bee this past 5 days, I had four days of dance competition 8 am till 10 pm and havent slept in my own bed for four nights. I am exhausted to the point of no return. To top off my weekend of dance, I had class today. Which is normally fun. I have never worked so hard, I am pretty sure I speak for my whole class when I say I will probably have difficulty walking tomorrow.
Anyways, I sort of met a guy during that weekend of dance madness. He's mad cute, and Im at that stage where I just want to kind of get to know him. He's making it rather difficult considering when I saw him, he was super shy, but when we text he's like a different person. He also lives far away which is a negative. But he's just so dang cute. Also, a guy that I had a major crush on but gave up on has definitely been flirting up our conversations, and has declared his singleness to me.. Im a tad confused with my situation. But none the less, I am exhausted and need to sleep.

This past week has been difficult for me. It's Spring Break. Kids like me are suppose to have the time of their lives but all I can do is think. You'd assume thinking is good, but not in my case. I get wrapped up in my thoughts and hopes, it become really obsessive and suffocating.
My friend hopped on a plane 4 days before Spring Break even began. I did miss her. During the time she was gone I got close to this guy. It's honestly not like me to get close to people so quickly, but I thought that someone was actually interested in me. It sure felt like he was. He would flirt with me, cuddle and just do things a regular friend wouldn't, and as much as I hate to admit it; I began to develop feeling for this kid. He actually made me feel good. You know, beautiful. It was good. I had my week of happiness. The day my friend came back, all of my friends hung out. Including this boy. My two friends and I met up at my friends house just to see each other and talk for a bit before heading out to meet up with everyone else. She was texting a lot, and I knew who it was bound to be; the boy I tried so hard to try to get to know during the past weekend. Turns out that before she left they both told each other they had feelings for each other. I was completely oblivious to that fact. I couldn't just tell her that I like him. After all, he liked her, not me. I may have well just been some "fun" when his real girl wasn't in the country. I tried really, really hard to not show my sadness, disappointment and frustration as she showed me texts where he was being "just too cute to describe!" I tried to be happy, to put on a smiling front. I know it worked. I know she has no clue how I'm feeling right now. She has no clue how it feels to be the ugliest friend, the girl who's only ever friends with guys and nothing more, the girl who is never chased, the girl who has to try so hard, the girl who never feels enough; never smart enough, pretty enough, good enough.
I'm glad she's happy I really am. I'm just finding it hard to fathom, that she not only has this boy wrapped around her finger; she also has my best friend in the palm of her hand.
So now, I'm sitting here alone at home, on the last day of my Spring Break and I'm writing a blog about it. Because I know that I can't tell anyone how I feel. I don't know who else to turn to. I really have no one. I don't trust my so called "friends" and I just don't feel like I'm wanted nor needed by anyone.

I just feel alone.